I zipped up after a number 1. I turned and approached the bathroom door. I reached down to grip the nob, never looking down. I never look down. I turn the lock to release the door, because the door is locked. I always locked the door. I grip the nob and begin to turn it. It gives two millimeters before it stops.
The door is locked. The door is obviously locked. I must have forgotten to lock it on my way in. I must have locked myself in when I thought I was unlocking the door. Obviously I must unlock the door and try again.
There it is. It is ridiculous, but it is there. As real as anything else in this tiny bathroom. It is there. The idea.
Did I really forget to lock the door? Did I really lock myself in? Is this how it starts? Is the world still out there? Am I still in it? What if after I turn that lock again, as I have done hundreds of times before, the door is still sealed shut?
Like I said, it is ridiculous, but it is there. It is very, very there. It is bubbling inside me, there. It is wrapping itself around me, there. It is driving into me, impaling me, relentlessly and agonizingly, there.
The dreaded choice: Do I try? After I turn this lock, one of two things is going to happen:
1.The door opens, I get out of the bathroom, I realize the world is still there, that I am still in it, that I am still alive, and then I have a big laugh about the silly thought that I had just a second ago; or
2. the door stays closed, the ridiculous idea is now an undeniable fact as the room grows darker, smaller, colder, emptier, the rest of which I would rather not think about.
This is stupid. Just unlock the door. But it is still there.
My left had reaches down again to turn the lock. But my right hand presses flush against the door, looking for some sign of life on the other side. Finding nothing, I press my face to the door. I need some sort of confirmation, some hint that there is still an out there out there.
I will endure it no more. I turn the lock, the nob, the door, and myself. I step outside to trust my angels and face my demons.
